Sometimes I just can't stop thinking about my boy, his seventh birthday just passed, and I'm anxiously awaiting pictures from his parents. I know they are busy with their lives, but still I check the mail many times a day waiting for some kind of news. My son's picture is on my desktop, and his artwork is on my wall, so I wake up and go to sleep with reminders of my son all around me.
I am not the only one who misses him, my kids and husband also mention how nice it would be if we could visit more often. I don't know if it would be easier, or not, nothing about giving my son up for adoption has been easy, nothing. It's hard when I think about his life, knowing that I couldn't give him the opportunities that he has now.
To be honest I simply feel like a failure, for not having a way to take care of my son when he was born. My son was born during one of the hardest times of my life. When I had the clothes on my back, and not much more. I had a seven year old son, that I had finally got back from his alcoholic/junkie father, his dad left him at a dope house as collateral and I swooped in and picked him up. I had no income, or prospects, but I did have one months rent paid in a tiny studio apartment and a hundred dollars in food stamps. I was alone, I didn't even have anyone to watch my seven year old son while I gave birth to the baby. There is no way I could have cared for the new baby and my older boy, so I did what I thought was best, and what did end up to be the best for both of my kids. I gave my son, to a wonderful family. It helps that he has opportunities that I could never give him, or my older son. It helps to know that he is loved, and even that he's spoiled. It helps to see him every couple years. But nothing will ever take away the awful feeling of guilt that I feel, I just couldn't keep him. I had screwed up my life so badly, that I was lucky to be alive, I just couldn't be responsible for a baby. It's still sad, but I love him, it's a different kind of love then I have for my older son.
Parents say they can't say they love one child more than another, I agree, but I do feel you can love kids differently, and my youngest is loved unconditionally, but my oldest is mine, and for better or worse, I've brought him up this far. He'll never have the opportunities the baby has, but he has me. Which is better, I don't know. But I miss him, everyday, and it doesn't go away, but it doesn' hurt as deeply as it did in the beginning.
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