About a month after giving birth, the agency lady, picked me up and we drove the longest ride of my life. Adoption laws change from county to county so, she was driving me to the other side of the state, where the laws that the agency abide by were in effect. She took me into a little room, in a courthouse, there was a old folding table with two chairs on one side and the magistrate sat on the other. There was a legal paper on the table and a pen. They asked me to sign this paper, then it would be over, but I could not do it. I sat and stared at that paper for about 15 minutes, in the little room, with just me, the magistrate, and the agency lady. In a way, my life passed before my eyes, I was trying to remember something that was harder to do than this, simply signing my name, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, this was the hardest thing I had ever done. This was my point of no return, once I signed that paper it was over, I was not his mother any more. Both ladies sat very patiently as tears streamed down my cheeks, there was no noise, just tears that dripped down and smeared the ink on the paper in front of me. My hand was shaking; I did not want to hold that stupid pen! Finally, I closed my eyes and prayed, I just prayed and prayed that I was doing the right thing and then I very slowly, very purposefully, neater than I ever had done before, signed my name.
In my case, the adoptive parents were under no “legal” obligation to contact me after signing the papers, we had agreed on a semi-open adoption agreement, but I had to trust them to follow through with their end of the deal. They agreed to update me when he was 3, 6, 9, 12 and 18 months old, and then every birthday after that. At first all communication went through the agency, they sent pictures and updates to the agency, which in turn sent them to me. It was a good policy because the adoptive parents fear that the birth parents will change their minds and track them down. If later on your life changes and you wish, the agency will hold on to all of the pictures and updates for you until you are ready to start receiving them again.
How many times in your life have you thought about what it would be like if you could have picked your parents? This was the time, I simply found the parents I would want to have.
My son’s parents are great, it did not take them long to start emailing me directly with pictures and updates. Life is busy with a baby in the house and I did not expect them to remember me, but they did. When our son was two, they all came to my state for a visit, and we (his father, who had become my husband and I) saw them, at the agency, for a few hours. It was an emotional roller-coaster for me, I was happy to see my son, but it brought up all those horrible feelings of failure I had about him, I cried for a week before and a week after, but it was worth it just to see him in person. Every two years since then we get together for dinner and hangout for a couple hours. The last time we saw him he was just turning seven, my husband, our kids and I all got together and met our son and his parents for dinner, then we went to the park and played for a couple hours.
My husband and I are separated now, but we still have a decent relationship and we set aside all differences when it comes to our son. Pictures are great, but visiting with our son in person allows us to see his real smiles, hear his voice, and decide who he looks like more. He has a great personality, is polite, loving, and funny. I feel bad sometimes staring at him the way I do, I cannot help myself, looking into his little eyes and assuring myself that he is a happy kid. I know in my heart that I made the right decision for me and the baby at the time, It is and always will be hard to admit I could not take care of my son, but even now, I can not imagine life with a seven-year-old in the house, it just wasn’t the right time.
I cry on Mothers day for him, I cry on his birthday, I cry because I miss him, but I do not cry every day anymore. Seeing my boy makes it easier to deal with the fact, that I could not give him a decent life back then or even now. His parents truly love him as their own, he is gorgeous and I am not just saying that because he is mine. He is half-Black and half-Italian and perfect in every way. His parents are very light complected, Scandinavian people with red hair, and our son definitely does not look like them, I think it makes it easier for them to bring us up into a conversation and explain about us; they are very open with him about his birth and adoption. As he gets older, his mother is very persistent about us being at his graduation, and wedding and other big events in his life. I look at him and know his life is good, he has opportunities that he wouldn't have had if we had raised him ourselves. Do I wish it could have been different? Absolutely! But If I could do it over, I would do it all the same, all of us have been truly blessed by this experience and I would not change a thing.
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